Seaing My Way

Simple Definition of heartbreak

  • : a very strong feeling of sadness, disappointment, etc.

I’ve began to realise that my heartbreak is different from how it is commonly portrayed. It comes in waves, through moments of realization, usually in the wee hour of 3am (also the magic hour in which my poetry is born). These are not emotions tied to what I have lost, but what I have failed to realise until now. The kind of things you don’t see until you’re outside of a situation, and in retrospect. The thing I am struggling with the most is recovering my sense of self. There are only three parts of myself that I am certain of, that I am a writer, a hedge-rider (witch) and a dreamer. These are the things born within me, and were not given to me by anyone. I’ve also realised how incredible sea like that I am, and it’s been coming through my poetry alot recently (I mean my pen name is “SeaRaven”).

Much of what I’m doing is just letting myself heal at my own pace. It’s difficult, my mind is always hounding me to DO something, begin this project, start this practice, do this, do that, but the true is that I am unable to do anything. I can’t focus on anything. All I can do is sit quietly with myself, and with nature and just listening (that and watch Golden Girls). At night when I’m laying in bed, I have to talk to myself, because it’s a vulnerable time, and my mind will start to wander to places and run it’s inner narrative. I’m thankful that I have this new inner voice, one that supports, nurtures and  encourages me. She explains how it is to me when my mind becomes obsessive, she comforts me when I weep, and gentle corrects me when I say unloving things to myself.

I am grateful that I am able to give myself that kind of love, it is something that I’ve struggled with in the past, and have come to light more recently through a questionnaire on flower essences . It was something I just stumbled across during in one of my daily perusing of herbal related things, and out of curiosity I decided to take the questionnaire. The point of the questionnaire is to help determine the right flower essence for you. At the end after it’s calculated your result it give you five essences that would be helpful. It was the first one the list, pink yarrow, that was the enlightening one. When I looked up the meaning of pink yarrow the first thing that caught my eye while scrolling was this statement on Flower

“Yarrow is the remedy of the wounded warrior, but these days it’s the remedy for the “wounded healer”,
for healing the wounded healer.”

“Wounded healer” is a phrase I have seen a great deal during my life, so it immediately grabbed my attention. So I started to read the entire article. This is from the article:

Pink Yarrow corresponds to the “root” chakra, the red chakra. It imparts a sense of strong groundedness. Pink Yarrow people don’t have a good, confident sense of self, so look to complete themselves in relationship to other people. This results in imbalanced relationships where they “give too much” and try to solve other peoples’ problems. People who resonate with Pink Yarrow often have grown up in chaotic or abusive families without support, and could never develop a confident sense of self. Pink Yarrow also somewhat relates to the heart chakra in terms of giving oneself away to others”

After I read that I thought “Yep. That fits me to a t”. I’ve lost my sense of Self. I’ve been feeling very disconnected with everything since my breakup (i.e. ungrounded). I’ve always struggled within feeling incomplete and looked for that in relationships. I grew up and live in a chaotic house (which I don’t think it a bad thing, all the time :P). And I’m an over-giver, I used to give myself over to my partner completely without a thought. So me thinks pink yarrow and I are going to get better acquainted. A moment came to me yesterday when I realised a synchronicity involving yarrow. A couple weeks ago, I was walking home with my brother and his girlfriend, when a yarrow plant on a bank by the side of the road caught my eye, and the reason it caught it was because it was more pink then white! It’s always amusing when synchronicity happens, and it been happening so much in the past month too, which is a comfort knowing I’m on the right path.

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